The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) and the new Surgeon General’s Office have put out a warning to parents of children who play video games employing ray tracing as being contributors to childhood “altruism”—there are also statistical concerns about elongated myopia and possible trace elements of color blindness.
After an in-depth AI study of tens of thousands of children’s health records, a statistically significant correlation has been discovered by the secretary of Health and Human Services that suggests children within a 10-foot radius of a screen of a computer, TV, arcade game, or handheld computer game employing the so-called ray- and path-tracing techniques popularized in the recent Snow White movie can lead to disinterested and selfless concern for the well-being of others by the users of those devices.
When interrupted from their game playing and asked questions about current events, such as, What do you think about the removal of WWII war heroes from the DOD Web sites?, the game players said, “Get away from me, who cares?” Other current events questions that were asked concerning the dismantling of social security and capture of Greenland received similar rebukes and dismissal answers. Researchers, when asked about their results, said, “They just don’t seem to care.”
Equal alarm was raised when it was discovered in post gaming sessions that test subjects showed signs of pronounced indications of myopia. “This is not something we are going to allow to poison our children on my watch,” said the secretary of Health and Human Services. When one of his aids pointed out that myopia was not a poison but an ocular condition aggravated by close staring and congenital defects, he said, “Nonetheless, we have to nip it in the bulb, ah bud.”
Although the level of significance with regard to a link of causation of cancer in the game player was quite small, the secretary of Health and Human Services, not known for ignoring the trivial or absurd, said, “We have a national emergency!”
The administration is drawing up plans for immediate banning of video game playing by anyone under the age of 25. This new regulation, signed by an executive order of the president of the Unite Sates, will be administered by the new dispersed state’s Department of Education and Health, and the defragmented private sector of power companies, which will shut down the power to any homes or amusement parks that are detected running video games in the presence of younger people. Warning messages using the Amber Alert system will be sent to the mobile phones of all adults over the age of 25 that video game playing has been detected in their immediate vicinity and corrective and immediate action must be taken. Failure to comply will cause an immediate cancelation of any grants, loans, or contracts with and from the US government and a fine of no less than $5,000 per incident.
“We will put a stop to this insidious ray tracing that’s corrupting and grooming of our children and young adults living in our basements, at once,” said the secretary of Health and Human Services.
Tragically, forgetting to put his glasses back on, the secretary of Health and Human Services turned and walked into a pole and broke his nose. He is recovering in Walter Reed Medical Center with his original Nintendo Switch to help him relax. “No damn ray tracing on this classic,” he said.
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